Up until a few months ago I had never traveled abroad. Why? Because I was absolutely paralyzed with fear at the idea of flying on an airplane. Just the mere discussion about the possibility of flying would bring me to actual tears. I decided, somewhat passively, that the way to deal with this fear was just not to fly. Ever. I went fifteen years with only flying once, due to a last minute family emergency. I got over my fear fairly easily (I'll discuss it more later on), and I'm currently writing this with five flights planned over the next six months. I do want to say that this post is in no way a how-to guide on how to get over your fears, if you also posses a fear of flying, this is solely my own experience.
When I was a kid I flew occasionally to visit family in other states. I loved it. I packed my Lion King suitcase weeks in advance and played "airplane" with my brother. I couldn't wait to fly, and actually flying was an incredible experience. It wasn't until my late teen years that I began to dread the thought of flying in airplanes. I don't know how or why this fear developed, and I never sought professional help for getting over it. (My mom theorized that it might have something to do with the 9/11 attacks, and seeing many graphic images of planes crashing on TV at a young age, but I don't really relate the fear with that event in my mind.)
My fear was (and my greatest fear about flying still is) falling. I was also very afraid of not being in control of anything. BUT YOU KNOW TRAVELING BY PLANE IS STATISTICALLY SAFER THAN TRAVELING BY CAR, said literally every person that I would divulge this fear to. Every. Person. Let me just say that I am and was well aware of that statistic, but condescendingly repeating that fact to me did nothing except make me feel stupid and wish the subject never came up in the first place. It's impossible to rationalize something to someone who has an irrational fear. Stating opinions and random facts, or telling someone to just get over it and do it already isn't going to make anyone's phobia magically disappear, and it's probably hurting more than it's helping.
The single time I did fly with this phobia was when I was twenty two. It was a flight from Wisconsin to Arizona (a handful of hours), and I flew with my parents and my brother. I was positively scared stiff, but I knew I had to try to be brave for my family. I thought my heart would beat right out of my chest as we approached the airport, and that banging didn't stop until the flight was well over. As soon as we boarded the plane I couldn't stop myself from starting to cry, and it was all I could do to not have a complete breakdown on takeoff. My brother held my hand the whole time, which I was grateful for, but also the attempted comforting by my family members made me feel silly and embarrassed. On the way home the turbulence caused by extreme winds over the Rocky Mountains just about did me in. I was sobbing and clutching my brother's arm. Even though I had my family for support I just couldn't relax.
In fall 2017 I was invited by a friend to join him on his fight home to Jordan. At first we laughed about it (haha, yeah right), but the offer was serious, and so I seriously started considering it. I initially stacked up the cons - it's a twelve plus hour flight (and another one on the way back!), there's a layover, so it's technically FOUR flights in total, I've never traveled abroad before, what if this, what if that, oh, and also I'M TERRIFIED OF FLYING. I talked to my parents about it, but other than the
I thought you were afraid of flying?! the thing they were most concerned with was the destination and my safety once I got there. Every time someone told me a reason I shouldn't go, I found myself coming back with a reason that I should. The list of reasons I needed to do this was getting longer and longer the more I tossed the idea about. The thought that stuck with me the most was
if not now, when?
 |
| Arrived at the airport in Chicago. Following signs for Turkish Airlines. // Feeling all the things. |
I talked with my friend about my fears of flying, and instead of quoting statistics at me he told me, "Try not to worry that much. I'll be with you the whole time." He told me about Jordan, and some of the things we'd do when we were there. I'd be seeing at least four of my Jordanian friends there and meeting their families, trying new food, seeing old ruins, visiting Petra (one of the Seven Wonders of the World!), and having so many new opportunities to take photos. I woke up one morning and when I saw him I said
I think I want to go. He didn't believe me at first, but when I assured him that I was serious he was so excited. We booked the tickets that evening (it was only ten days until we would leave), and I had severe anxiety as we typed our information into the booking site. My heart was pounding, but oddly, when we finally clicked the button to confirm our tickets, a calmness set over me.
Ok, I told myself,
you have a non-refundable ticket. You can either worry and be anxious the whole time, or you can be a little nervous and mostly excited. You're going to fly on an airplane either way. That was it. I was going to get on that airplane EITHER WAY.
The next ten days were a mixture of anxiety and excitement, mostly the latter, thanks to distractions I gave myself. I focused on packing my carry-on bag, my suitcase, and my camera gear, slowly and meticulously. I focused on the new film I hurriedly bought online, chosen especially with the desert in mind. I focused on my friend and his excitement, and the plans we were making together about the fun things we'd do when we got there. I tried not to think about the airplane and the flight. I was going to do it either way, I reminded myself when I would start to become stressed.
My heart thudded heavily in my chest on the way to the airport. I tried not to focus on it. All the way through security to our gate, however, my pounding heart was matched with something I can only describe as butterflies in my stomach, the good kind. We finally boarded the airplane and found our seats. I breathed deeply and took selfies with my friends to help stave off anxiety. We laughed and joked around, and I was thankful for the distraction. I looked through the movies the airline offered and picked the ones I wanted to watch once the plane was in the air. I took pictures out the window. I put on my sunglasses as the plan taxied, to try and hide any tears that might come on takeoff, but they didn't come and before I knew it we were in the air. I was doing it. The thing I was so afraid of for so many years. I was doing it.
 |
| Taking selfies and trying to relax before takeoff. Wearing my lucky "Hang In There" tee. // Over the Black Sea. |
I was still nervous, but the movies, the presence of my friends, and the thoughts of all the amazing things I was about to do in the next ten days filled my head and helped push the fear to the back of my mind. I told myself during turbulence that if the flight attendants were just going about their duties as normal that everything was fine. I watched them like a hawk. They were fine the whole time, and so was I. We landed in Istanbul for a layover, and on the next flight into Amman I hardly felt any fear at all, though I still kept a keen eye on the flight attendants at any little jolt. Landing in Amman and finally getting off of the plane I felt incredible. I had done The Thing. That Thing. That Scary Thing. I did it. And I was ok.
It's probably impossible to convey to someone who has flown many times, or who has never known a great fear like mine (you lucky, lucky person), the severity of my phobia, or how amazing it felt to conquer it. I am still nervous on planes, and I definitely don't look forward to the actual flights, but I am confident in my ability to not let my fear stop me from doing amazing things. My first trip to Jordan was in November, and in the following April I booked a ticket to go back. Alone. Now I had the fear of missing my flight, losing my luggage, getting lost in the airport alone at the forefront of my mind, instead of the fear of actually flying, which I was thankful for, as these fears were trivial in my mind compared with what I had been dealing with before. I arrived in Jordan safely, and I returned to the US two weeks later, on time, in one piece, and with all my luggage. I was, and still am, extremely proud of myself.
 |
| The second leg of the journey - from Istanbul to Amman. // Landed in Amman waiting for luggage. Exhausted but excited. |
So in the end, what helped me get over my extreme fear was just the simple act of buying a ticket, and that immediate mental switch that came with it. Just trying with all my might not to focus on the bad things that
might happen, and instead focusing on the great things that probably would and did happen was what got me though that first flight when I was the most nervous. That is my story, and it probably is different for everyone who suffers from some sort of phobia. As I said before, this is not advice on how to conquer your fear. Though this story is not meant as a guide, maybe it can serve as some sort of inspiration. Don't let your fear define you. Don't let it tell you what you can and cannot do. You are brave and capable of amazing things.
**All photos taken with my Samsung Galaxy S7 (my phone). I was too nervous to take any of my cameras out of the gear bag in the airport. Taking these photos is part of what helped me stay calm before and during my flights.
